We argued. I don’t remember why, but my brother and I argued that morning. I’m not sure if he was taking too long in the bathroom, ate the last of my favorite cereal or just tap danced on my last nerve by simply existing. 

All I remember is that we argued. I also don’t remember who left the house first, me or him. But I do remember that one of us left without saying goodbye.

Later that afternoon, I would be at home waiting for him so that my mother could take him to the nearby forest preserve to practice driving. He’d recently gotten his learners permit and loved to drive any chance he could get. 

“We should pick up Kole’Von from school and let him drive home,” my mother said earlier. I was still annoyed by the argument that morning and didn’t move. Neither did she. Instead we sat and listened to a CD that my uncle had just brought over. 

It was a song by a new gospel artist. As soon as he heard it, he came right over to play it for my mom. They were on the 2nd listen when I walked in from school. Instead of picking up my brother we listened to the song and talked through the powerful lyrics. Time seemed to stand still as we soaked in the words.

Then the doorbell rang. 

That was strange. Kole’von had a key and could just walk in. It made no sense for him to ring the bell unless he forgot his key. Again. 

My annoyance with him started up again as I lazily got up and went to open the door. I didn’t even look through the peephole because I just knew it was him. 

It wasn’t. There stood two neighbors from across the street looking scared and disheveled. They were talking so fast that I couldn’t quite understand what they were trying to say. My uncle came to the door to gather the details. 

There was an incident. 

Kole’Von was involved. 

They were on the same bus coming home from the store.

They saw it all.

He’s at the hospital. 

We needed to go fast. 

As we rushed to the hospital, I was even more annoyed. His little after school antics had my mom all worried and I hated to see her worried. I couldn’t wait to see him and let him know how silly he had been all day. I would fuss at him real good. 

But I would never get that chance. 

That day, the same day that he or I left home without saying goodbye for something that I can’t remember, my brother lost his life. 

He left home for a normal day of school after a normal morning of brother and sister bickering, but never returned. My life has never been the same. 

That was 30 years ago today. 

I’ve spent a lot of time unpacking the trauma and grief of this sudden loss. But there has been beauty from this tragedy. I learned a tough lesson on loving people well. I learned that no matter what is going on, it’s my responsibility to love just as God loves me. For years I felt so guilty that my last interaction with my brother was a silly argument. I felt guilt and shame around my choices and they literally haunted me. 

But then I came into relationship with Jesus and learned that there is no condemnation for those who are in Him. And since I am in Him, I am released for any guilt that the enemy would try to hold over me. And you are too!

If you have struggled with the shame and guilt of not loving well, I pray that you are released right now. I pray that the God of forgiveness breaks the chains of unforgiveness and allows you to have freedom in who HE is and no longer be bound by what happened.

Ephesians 4:32 says “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”

In forgiving others we also must practice forgiving ourselves. I can’t take back that day but I can pull back the shame and see how God was preparing me even in the most subtle ways. That song that my uncle played has been an anthem in my life and a constant reminder of who God is. 

I invite you to listen to it here.

Your Real Estate Bestie,